


For My Dear

by To_Shiki



Category: Gackt Job, Jrock, Malice Mizer
Genre: Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:08:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/To_Shiki/pseuds/To_Shiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written back in early 2000's.  My take on Gackt's reaction to Kami's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For My Dear

For My Dear

 

In a candle lit room, the lone figure of Camui Gackt sat unmoving on his well worn sofa.  On the wooden coffee table in front of him lay blank music sheets and broken pencils scattered over the glass top.  A half empty coffee mug with day old black coffee sat forgotten near the corner closest to him.

He had lost it.  The music that used to flow so easily from his thoughts to his fingertips was gone.  Vanished like a flame in the wind.  One simple phone call three days ago had brought his entire world to a screeching stand-still.

“Gackt?  It’s Mana.  I have to…tell you something.”

Since then only silence filled the once lively apartment.  The stereo was one, but no music emerged from expensive speakers  The glossy black grand piano sitting in the corner of the living room did nothing but collect dust.  The heavy drapes made of black velvet were closed, forbidding the cheerful LA sun to shine its light inside.  At the end of the sofa, the phone lay forgotten, the cord violently ripped out of the wall socket.  On the answering machine the little red light flashed, signaling all the messages from worried friends across the ocean who called before he had disabled his phone.  Even his cell phone was turned off and flung across the room.

_The joy from my heart at our sudden meeting says_

_“Maybe it’ll be over before I know it…” those forebodings scare me_

“Kami’s….dead,” the voice on the phone told him.

“What?”   That can’t be true. He’d just talked to Kami last week.  He was fine.

A sigh. “Kami…is…dead.” The last word was choked.  “He’s gone.”  The voice could speak the last word no louder than a whisper.

Time froze.

‘It’s just not possible.  He’d talked to him last week.  Nothing was wrong but a headache.  He gets those often anyways.  You can’t die from frequent headaches, can you?

But he knew, deep down, that Mana would never lie about something like this.  As much as the other man may despise Gackt for leaving, he would NEVER lie about this!

He swallowed the lump that caught in his throat as the voice explained what had happened.  Gackt could only half listen as he attempted to force his voice to work.

Over and over he chanted to himself, ‘Can’t cry.  Must not cry.  Won’t cr-‘

The phone fell from numb fingers.

“Gakuto?”

_And then I gazed into your eyes_

_Without understanding anything._

He could vaguely hear his old band mate yelling for him. The voice seemed distant.  Faded.  His mind tried valiantly to organize cluttered thoughts as the voice continued screaming.  His knees gave way underneath him.  The cushions of the sofa cradled his body when he collapsed onto it.

_They’re not forever changing, so how many phantoms,_

_Like memories and dreams, could you file away_

Memories resurfaced as he struggled to swallow the sobs begging for release.  He buried his face in his hands as each memory reminded him of what was now lost.

The memories of the times they would drive to the beach after band practice.  The need to escape the city and its loud people and blindingly bright lights overwhelming them.  The soothing splash of waves crashing against rocks.  The caress of the waves as they washed over their bare feet and ankles.  The sensation of sand made dark by the ocean shifting beneath their feet.  Sitting in the sand, away from the water, as they sat side by side, each lost in their own thoughts.  The stars and full moon illuminating the deserted beach and each other.  Eyes locking for a split second, peace filling the void caused by the stress of the music business.

No words were needed on these nightly trips.

_And now I gazed into your eyes_

_Without changing anything_

“Why did you have to leave me here alone, Kami-kun?”  Gackt asked out loud.

No answer.

Grief-stricken, he slumped his shoulders.  The caffeine from the coffee long ago left him, leaving him to run on fumes.  Eyes finally emptied of their tears closed, concealing weary blue eyes.  Sleep claimed him after three days of nothing but sorrow and black coffee to keep the dreams he feared away.  His body tilted to the left, slowly sliding down until he was half lying on the sofa.

Somewhere, a clock struck six as the sun began its ascent over the Los Angeles skyline.

He was dreaming.  He knew that.  There was no other possible answer for what he was seeing.

He stood in the middle of a large field.  Light green grass spread as far as the eye could see.  Tiny flowers of purple, white, and gold dotted the expanse of the green ocean.  Trees grew far apart, offering shade across the pale blue sky.  Fluffy white and grayish clouds floated lazily across the pale blue sky, their shadows racing each other slowly across the field.  A lone hawk circled overhead, its miserable cry echoing in the silence.

“Gakuto.”

The noisy intrusion startled the vocalist.  He had thought that he was the only human guest in this empty paradise.  With deliberately slow movements, he turned first his head then his body to face the one who had spoken his name.  Something inside of him told him that he should just walk away, avoid the pain that was about to come.

_If I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is fleeting_

_If I close my eyes, I want to hold_

In a billowy white tunic and pants stood Kami.  His now long brownish red hair danced in the light breeze before resting over his shoulders.  A smile graced his lips.

“Kami…” Gackt gasped, unable to believe that it was indeed his deceased friend who stood before him.  Dream or not, he didn’t expect to see his friend looking so…happy.

He stumbled forward, tripping over small rocks and animal holes.  His hands shook as they reached out to Kami.  Trembling fingertips toughened by years of piano and guitar glided over pale cheeks, barely touching the skin.  “H-How is it that…you’re…we’re here? Together?”  Tears once again threatened to escape.

Kami’s smile faded.  He opened his mouth to speak.

Nothing.  No words came out.  Just like when he was the drummer on stage without a microphone, he was forced to be silent.

A sudden gust of wind shoved a gigantic cloud into the path of sunlight, shrouding them in shadows.  Gackt jerked his head up towards the sky, surprised by the sudden lack of light and warmth. The harsh motion caused the tears to trickle down his cheeks.

Cold hands cupped his face, gently bringing him to look back at his silent friend. As soon as he did, he wished that he hadn’t.

“No.  Please no.”

_Your vanishing body once more in my arms_

_Because I can’t forget that time, that place where we met…_

Kami’s body was gradually fading away.

Gackt shook his head violently.  “No!”  He wrapped his muscular arms around the disappearing waist.  “You can’t leave me, Kami!  You’re my only friend in this depressing world.”  He sobbed onto the almost translucent shoulder.  “You can’t…”

Arms encased in white silk wound around his back and shoulders.  A comforting embrace.  Ice cold lips moved against his ear, again trying to tell him something important and failing.  The lips stilled a frown marring them.

Eventually the tears slowed and Gackt was able to compose himself.  That was when he noticed little tremors rumbling against his chest.  Curious he removed his hand from around Kami’s waist and let it rest on his friend’s chest, right over his heart.

Sure enough, while unable to speak with words, he still had the ability to hum.  The melody was soothing at the beginning until it picked up the pace in the middle.  While he hummed, he slowly rocked the two of them from side to side.

The rocking and humming completely calmed the distressed vocalist.  In fact, it was so relaxing that he started to feel drowsy.  Even his dream self was able to feel the exhaustion creeping in from the real world.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, the arms pushed his away.  Startled, Gackt stumbled back, a noise of protest escaping his throat.

_Dancing in the breeze, your body_

_Was being enveloped in light_

A gust of wind lifted the cloud from its place in front of the sun.  Bright sunlight blinded Gackt momentarily.  When he could see again, he hesitated to return his gaze back to his friend.

He could still hear the humming.  It compelled him to look, even though he knew what he was going to witness.  He rubbed the spots out of his eyes and looked sadly.

Sure enough, Kami’s body was almost gone.  The sun’s rays filtered right through his body.

“You can’t leave me…” Gackt whispered hoarsely.

_I was only watching you_

_I was forever gazing into your eyes_

Gackt gazed at Kami’s face, the only part of his form not completely see-through.  They looked each other in the eyes and froze.

_Even now I watch only you_

_Without changing anything_

To Gackt as soon as their eyes met, everything disappeared from his dream world.  The grass, the flowers and their intoxicating scent, the hawk with its cries, all gone.  Only his friend’s cold unsmiling face remained.

Only the two of them were left.

_I stretch out my hand, the smile I reached is pained_

_If I close my eyes, I want to hold_

Once more Gackt reached out for his only best friend.  They watched as his hand went right through the shade’s shoulder.  A pained smile surfaced on Kami’s face as Gackt withdrew his shaking hand.

The smile slipped and he watched the eyes close, allowing a single tear to slip out.  Gackt’s thin arms wrapped around his own waist; a child who just lost his dream.

Behind closed lids Gackt imagined the Kami he had known in life; whole, warm, smiling, caring, laughing, in hopes that it would make him solidify.  He remembered the way his eyes lit up when they did talk on the beach late at night.

He jerked when he felt arms snake around his body once more.  A warm cheek pressed to his.  One hand left his back and reappeared on the back on his head, gently stroking his short dyed hair.

It worked, he thought.

_Your vanishing body once more in my dreams_

_Because I can’t forget that time, that place where we met…_

When Kami broke the embrace, he did so gently this time.  His warm hands cradled Gackt’s pale, tear-stained face.  He whispered.

Still Gackt could not make out the words.  He watched Kami’s lips, mimicking the motions as his friend faded into nothing.

An image surfaced as he reached out a hand to grasp at the fading essence of his friend.  For a split second he saw the karaoke bar where he had shown Kami and Mana how well he could sing.

When the memory dissolved, Kami was one completely gone.  In a panic he frantically searched the now silenced meadow for any hint of his friend.  He searched for a clue that would let him believe that this wasn’t really happening.

Nothing.  Just like Kami, the meadow was dissolving. One final breeze ruffled his hair, feeling like fingers running through the locks.  On that breeze, he could hear the tune Kami had been humming.

The words Kami tried to form returned to him.  He mimicked the movements silently, making sure that he had then right.  He wanted to make doubly sure that he would remember them in the morning.

The grass beneath his feet shriveled and faded away.  He closed his eyes, titled his head to the dimming sun and breathed….

Thunder rumbled outside his penthouse, rattling the large balcony doors and shaking him from the dream.  His lips were still moving as he jerked upright as on his sofa.

For my dear

That’s what he’d been trying to tell him…

_Because I can’t forget…_

With the tune playing over and over in his head, Gackt searched his coffee table for a working pen and paper.  Words came rushing to the fore; aligning with the melody Kami had hummed to him.  In perfect manuscript he wrote:

_Totsuzen ne deai e no kokoro kata no yorokobi to…_

In the distance, lightning danced across the sky.  Underneath a broad leaf a butterfly flapped its wings once before resting for the night.

 

Lyrics and music by: Camui Gackt

To: Ukyo Kamimura, Kami of Malice Mizer

Lyrics translation by Mina-P (thanks muchly!!)

**Author's Note:**

> This was a story I wrote for my senior year English class. We had to write a short story at least two pages long. First question a classmate asked, "How do you write a short story?" I was the only person to get an A.


End file.
